Who Am I?

Everyday that passes brings me one day closer to moving back home with the parentals. It’s not that I hate my family or have some sort of repressed issues with them, I think I’ve just grown to the freedom and independence of living as a single unit away from the politics of family life.

It’s not just about having the freedom or mobility to just up and meet whoever I want to meet and do whatever I want to do, it’s about having someone to answer to. I’ve gone the past five years without having to tell someone why I am doing something, where I am going and when I will be back. I have spent quite a few days alone, reading, writing or watching tv in solitude because I enjoyed doing so. I have gone out when I wanted to. I have never had to answer for my moods. This was all change once I move back home.

The moving part is inevitable I suppose, and honestly I’ve had five wonderful years filled with experiences that will last me a lifetime. If I am being honest with myself, what bugs me the most is realizing that my life is progressing a lot faster than I want it to. All through my formative years (aka middle & high school), all I wanted to do was grow up and be taken seriously. Once I hit grade 12, I desperately clutched at the passing days of my final semester in fear of how different life would be in university. I cried, kicked a fuss and threw tantrums with my ego, hoping to convince myself that university was not the place for me and to take a year off to find myself.

In the end, responsibility prevailed and I ended up joining university, where I had the most amazing time of my life. Each day I met with new challenges which ultimately made me grow as a person. Living alone was a huge plus, but meeting a diverse group of people at school was the best lesson I could have learned.

I went through my days at school not realizing what I had, looking forward to completing each course and getting a decent grade. I made friends effortlessly, sometimes losing them just as easily. I experienced lust, deception, jealousy, courage, betrayal, heartbreak, and true love. I met some people who I paid little regard to, others who I held too high in esteem. I treated some people with excessive love and respect, others with none whatsoever. I met those people that have stood by me through all the troubles in the recent past, and have never judged me too severely for the questionable things I have done.

All this I realize now, not even six months after graduation. I long for the days I was a scared freshmen heading to the first day of my class. I want to go back in time and experience everything all over again. Because, though I’m trying to avoid doing this, I’ve had to take a look at my life and I have no idea where I’m going or who I’m supposed to be.